The Great and The Not Great...

Full disclosure: I am, and will probably always be, a BMW Fanboy. But I have to admit, it’s becoming harder with each passing year. It’s not Land Rover Fanboy hard yet, but BMW aficionados around the world have been sweating for years over the crap BMW has been building. Which begs the question, how can the uninitiated tell if a particular BMW is a good one? Or even a great one? While they may seem like myths, believe me when I say that they’re out there. Let me show you the way...

Greatness is a sliding scale, particularly with BMW's. But there’s an easy rule to remember: The greater the BMW, the fewer and less complex cupholders it will have. It’s an eloquent rule of thumb for identifying the finest of Bavaria’s finest. Let’s explore a bit, shall we?

Today, a BMW X7 comes with heated and cooled cupholders. What a time to be alive! They also allegedly allow spilled drinks to leak onto the airbag control module, ruining everything. One thing I can promise you is that when it comes to warranty, spilling your pumpkin oat milk latte is a defect in your ownership, not BMW's workmanship. So expect to pay a king’s ransom to fix your mistake. There's no word on whether or not these cupholders require a monthly subscription to enjoy like your heated seats or remote starter, but with over the air updates dropping regularly you never know. Stay away!

The e39 5-series had “can holders” instead of cup holders. They’re downright offensive to anyone who needs anything other than a small coffee on their morning Dunkin’ run. Your extra large cup of iced sugar with coffee and cream won’t fit, so don’t bother. These pointless contraptions were Bavaria’s middle finger to American drivers who demanded that BMW's road going artwork catered to their caffeine addiction. The sheer inconvenience of trying to enjoy a beverage on the road in an e39 of any flavor is your green light. A well maintained, low mileage one will have you smiling for years to come while a clapped out, rusty one shouldn’t treat you too badly either.

The e63 6-series is successor to the cult favorite e24 and arrived to much fanfare. It proudly sports a single cupholder that’s an over engineered after thought. I must admit that the fire breathing, V10 powered M6 variant is a sexy machine I would love to own. Here, it may seem my theory is dead in the water. Until you look a bit deeper. The cost if a new e63 cupholder, should yours be missing or break, is astounding. I was quoted nearly $1,300 by my local BMW dealership, and online prices aren’t much better. This subtle red flag lets you know that the SMG transmission e63’s are terrible, the infotainment system is a pile of hot garbage that won’t work with your iPhone, and the V8 engines leak oil everywhere. Unless you know exactly what you’re getting into, stay away. You’ll thank me later.

Then there are the BMW’s that simply don’t have cupholders, these are best of the best, and I have the facts to prove it. The E30 3-Series will go down in history as the Tri-Five Chevy of the Fatherland. They’re plentiful, playful, easy to maintain yourself (with a few YouTube certifications), and customizable to a point that would make Jeep blush. But just like your grandfather’s ’57 Bel Air, prices are higher than you’d expect for a car that’s not exactly rare. The e28 5-Series is an overlooked gem in BMW’s history. Its shark nose front end and quirky, quasi-center exit exhaust deserve a chef’s kiss. An e28 M5 is a criminally inexpensive car that will haul a baby seat so well your spouse will have no excuse to not let you buy one. Want something a bit newer? A few more cylinders perhaps? BMW has you covered with the e38 7-series, or even the e31 8-series. V8 powered ones are fairly reliable masterpieces that perfectly blur the line between sport and luxury. (Spicy bonus take: the 840’s flip-up headlights are better looking than those found on an Acura NSX. You know you want flip up headlights.) Typical car wisdom applies with the E38 and E31 though, so avoid the V12’s like the plague. Or don't. Just don't ask for sympathy from non V12 driving peasants when the inevitable and expensive happens.

If this blog had a comments section, I can imagine people blowing it up, saying I’ve developed a rule guiding the uninitiated toward the older end of the spectrum. While true to an extent, the counter argument is the e82 1-series, particularly a 128i with a manual transmission. Some aren't even a decade old yet!

If I was holding my breath, patiently awaiting the return of greatness to the full line of BMW’s catalog, I would have died many years ago. But patience is a virtue I learned from being a Red Sox fan. It'll return some day. Until then, count the cup holders.