You're So Vain...UPDATE

This article has been updated, scroll on to get to the new stuff!

For many years I was the chief license plate installer at a Mercedes-Benz, BMW, and Volvo dealership. I courageously drilled holes in brand new bumpers while stage 3 clinger-type owners "supervised". If you’re a license plate aficionado, its the perfect job to make ends meet while you’re working toward your Doctorate in RMV and Car Insurance Regulations. I got to see them all! Highly sought after Massachusetts “green” plates, vanity plates, European plates, and shady Montana plates. You'll be sad to know that faded, banged up, standard issue plates were the most common though. I usually snuck the worst into the shop and beat them into shape with a mallet on the concrete floor. When a customer asked how I got their plates back into shape, I told them about my “special license plate tool” I had in back. Every single one thought I was dead serious.

In my experience, license plates are one thing car enthusiasts and non-enthusiasts clamor over. Some people are down right snobby about them! License plates are the only place where a citizen and a state’s government can express themselves. State slogans, colors, flags, counties, landmarks, colleges/universities, charities, sports teams…the possibilities are endless and kind of annoying. But if nothing "special" in your state strikes your fancy a vanity plate is always an option.

Vanity plate applications are highly scrutinized here in the Bay State. Not only is there a long list of rules to follow, you must provide three options for your vanity plate in ranked order and explain their meanings. Anything involving the number 69 (niiiice) has to be going on a car built in 1969. LAME! Whoever is in charge is clearly trying to suppress Massachusetts' driver's creativity.

It may come as a shock but Maine has been the wild west (east?) of vanity license plates for many years. A quick glance at @vanity_of_maine on Instagram will have you laughing hysterically within seconds. Either there’s a disgruntled RMV employee acting their wage somewhere or nobody in power cares. Either way, I am here for it. Everyone can use a good laugh in traffic, especially me. However, I don’t have to have an awkward conversation with a kid who just graduated to the shotgun seat about why “EJACUL8” is so funny. At least for a few more years.

After years of entertaining us on New England roads, Maine has recalled 274 plates that have been deemed “offensive”. It's probably safe to say that more are to come. But I have so many questions! Did that disgruntled vanity plate application reviewer finally get a raise? How many Karens had to complain to get the sticky gears of state government finally turning? Can I interview anybody involved? Anyways, Maine's latest victim is a BMW driving tofu lover named Peter Starostecki. He's decided to appeal the state's decision to revoke his “LUVTOFU” plate, which I'm sure will go swimmingly well. (If you read that plate and think of Tofu before Sex, please show yourself out. Thank you.) As a BMW lover who dabbled with veganism for nearly two months, I feel uniquely qualified to not sympathize for him. Why? Because I know that tempeh is superior to the cubed, congealed slime that is tofu. I also know that license plates are owned by the state that issues them, not the person who owns the car they’re attached to. Paying an extra fee to pick the numbers and letters stamped into them doesn't entitle you to anything other than a bill. According to the article, Maine hasn't allowed a single person that's appealed to keep their "offensive" vanity plate. While valiant, Starosteki’s effort will likely be in vain. But stalling should give him time to come up with an alternative before surrendering his tin ode to tofu. Hopefully Peter picks something tempeh related.

If Maine's RMV works at the same speed as Massachusetts', I'm sure their vanity plates will be entertaining us for years to come. But it looks like they're an unprotected endangered species, about to be ruthlessly hunted by the humorless and the easily offended. Enjoy the fun while it lasts.

If you have a vanity plate that's been deemed offensive by the powers that be, please drop me a line!

Update 12/15/2023:

While cruising around the Anti-BMW BMW Club facebook group, a fellow BMW Loving, BMW Hater shared their incredible Maine vanity plate and their recent experience with it.

The owner, a New Yorker turned Maine-iac, clearly has as much love for New York as the Fenway Faithful during the playoffs. He's had the plate on his car for quite some time now. According to his first hand information, Maine has stopped issuing any new "offensive" license plates. Which is terrible news. He also received a friendly letter from the State of Maine stating that they reserve the right to recall his license plate if "legislation changes". Pardon my eye roll...

How many Karens sent scathing letters to their state representative to get this ball rolling? Maybe I can get my Portland based brother-in-law to send a letter asking to keep the "offensive" plates on the road? Lord knows I need a laugh while sitting in traffic on the Maine Turnpike. Few things make me want to gouge out my eyes a la Oedipus Rex like cruising I95 at 3MPH in my stick shift 325iX while trying to decide what radio station sucks the least.

Stay tuned for further developments.